Could It Be
by Zephyr5
Summary: The fourth in the songfic 'album' sad and somewhat twisted... in a plot sense, not a hentai one! rolls eyes get your minds out of the gutter p COMPLETE


AN: Fourth 'single' of the 'album' ;p  Sorry it took so long folks, but I've been kinda busy with Hyne's Return (Go Read!! -- Shameless plug #1) and the History Repeating series (Go Read!! -- Shameless plug #2) hehehe... I'll stop there ;)

Disclaimers: Lyrics 'Could It Be Any Harder' © The Calling, and FF8 stuff © Squaresoft

Warnings: Oooh...  weirdy stuff goin on here @_@ RxR...  tell me what you think :p

**Could It Be Any Harder**

I guess I always knew this day was coming.  But it doesn't make it any easier.  Right from the moment you leapt to defend her from the Gerogero, all the signs were there, telling me, over and over, that this moment was coming.  And like a fool I refused to believe that it was true.  Stubbornly I clung to the belief that I still had a chance, that we still had a chance to be, well, *we*.

_Fade away, fade away, fade away_

_Fade away, fade away, aha_

_Fade away, fade away, fade away_

_Fade away, fade away, fade away,  aha_

The hints were crystal clear, to anyone who wanted to see.  But I refused.  I used my oh-so-logical mind to rationalise away your actions.  Defending your 'client' from her father, because otherwise the team would end up, albeit indirectly, in Caraway's control.  Rescuing your 'client' from the two Iguions at Irvine's urging, and because dead clients don't pay well, besides giving SeeD a bad reputation.  Even when you left Garden in the dead of night, carrying her to Esthar alone, I managed to convince myself that you were just concerned at the thought of fighting another sorceress.  Yeah right.

_You left me with goodbye and open arms_

_A cut so deep I don't deserve_

And you know what the worst is?  That you don't even hold it against me.  That you don't blame me for Rinoa's ultimatum.  Her or Garden.  I wasn't the only shocked SeeD when you chose her though.  Garden is all we've ever known Squall...  how can you just leave that behind?  How can you just blindly follow her lead, into what, for you, is the unknown.  Hell, I wasn't the only one who expressed concerns about it.  I mean, she is, after all, a sorceress.  The most powerful sorceress alive.  Who's to say that she hasn't ensnared you in some web of trickery.  Except Seifer of course.  Yep, the sorceress knight would know, having been under an actual control spell.

_Well, you were always invincible in my eyes_

_And, the only thing against us now is time_

Ultemecia was so right when she spoke her last words.  The enemy is always time.  And time for me has run out.  Time for us has run out.  We're all in freefall, not knowing who to look up to, who to follow.  Hell, even Seifer might manage to get your job.  He is, after all, the only other one of us with large-scale command experience.  I guess we're all scared that someday we might end up fighting you.  Over Rinoa or one of her causes.  Garden has to remain impartial, and as time passes it won't be long before the newer SeeDs begin to see us as a challenge and a few will jump at the opportunity to go up against the legendary Squall Leonhart.  But you'll never be defeated in my eyes.  

_Could it be any harder to say goodbye and without you_

_Could it be any harder to watch you go, to face what's true_

_If I only had one more day_

So now all that is left is for those of us remaining at Garden to give you the respect you deserve.  To see that you leave with honour, and knowing that we all love you.  It's so hard, every time I see you, now I know you're really leaving, I just want to stop and stare, to drink in the sight of you.  I can't get over the feeling that any time I see you could be the last.  After all, didn't you run away in the night carrying your precious burden, and she was unconscious then, possessed.  Who is to say that you won't do something similar, just, fade away, vanish from our lives.  This time forever.

_Fade away, fade away, fade away,  aha_

I try so hard to hide my despair from the others.  But I suspect they know anyway, or at least have their suspicions.  I've noticed that I'm never alone.  Oh sure, they leave me alone, leave me to my brooding, but there is always someone, never a SeeD lower than level 10, in the background, hovering.  Sometimes, when I venture into the training centre, there's a whole group, two or three pretending to spar, or four or more ostensibly honing their tracking and stalking skills.  But it isn't each other that they stalk, and their skills are not honed enough to escape my notice.  I am, after all, a level A SeeD, and with good reason.

_I lie down and blind myself with laughter_

_Well, a quick fix of hope is what I'm needing_

For a while I thought I had convinced Selphie that I was fine.  I laughed, more than I usually do, at her jokes, joined in her escapades, acted normal.  Or as normal as I can.  But I see her, when she thinks I cannot, whispering with the others, shooting concerned glances in my direction.  It hurts.  As much as I can feel anything through the numbness that your decision to leave has caused, it hurts.  That they don't trust me.  That they think I'm unstable enough to try and take my own life.  Hyne!  It's not like we were ever a couple!

_Oh, and how I wish that I could turn back the hours_

_Oh, but I know I just don't have the power, yeah_

To turn back time...  Perhaps I would be tempted, except that I know it would do no good.  The shooting star at the SeeD ball, so long ago now, sealed your destiny.  I think I felt it, the chill shiver that ran through my soul as she approached you.  I think I knew, even then, that I had lost you.  Forever.

_Could it be any harder to say goodbye and without you_

_Could it be any harder to watch you go, to face what's true_

_If I only had one more day_

And that is the big 'what if' that torments my every hour, awake or asleep.  What if I had made the first move?  If I had been the one to point out the shooting star, coax you onto the dance floor.  I wouldn't have abandoned you with the fireworks though.  What would they all think of me if I had done that – taken the initiative and fought for what I wanted.  But that was never my style.  I'm the quiet, dedicated, efficient worker, who keeps her head down, and hopes that eventually she will be noticed, and will gain a just reward.  I worked so hard to get you to open up, but there was only ever one person who could break through.  Seifer.  For a while I even thought you were...  Well...  Now I'm blushing.  Hah!  That'll confuse my watchers.  I just wish...  I wish that I'd had the chance to talk to you before Rinoa.  Before the SeeD ball.  But I was an instructor...  I thought that was what I wanted...  Now I'm not so sure.

_Well, I'd jump at the chance_

_We'd drink and we'd dance_

_And I'd listen close to your every word_

_As if it's your last, well I know it's your last_

_Cause today, oh, you're gone_

I'm crying.  I hope you can hear me, wherever you are Squall...  I'm crying.  Are you proud?  Only Seifer has ever made me cry before...  I'm crying...  Now you're just like Seifer.  Is that what you wanted all along, to be like your rival?  But what can I say?  I thought you'd run.  You always run.  You hated formality, parties, speeches, shaking hands and making small talk.  No, much easier to run instead, vanishing in the dead of night without even a note, or a quiet goodbye to those of us who fought with you to the end.

_Could it be any harder to say goodbye and without you_

_You fade away, fade away, fade away,  aha_

_Could it be any harder to watch you go, to face what's true_

_You fade away, fade away, fade away,  aha_

_Could it be any harder to live my life without you_

_Could it be any harder, I'm all alone_

_I'm all alone_

You just faded away.  One day there, the next... gone.  And now I'm alone.  Unbearably, bitterly, miserably alone.  Even with crowds of chattering students all around me, I'm alone.  I gave away all my GFs...  I don't want to lose any of the few memories of you I still have.  Maybe, with time, I'll even recover a few.

_Like sand on my feet_

_The smell of sweet perfume_

_You stick to me forever, baby_

_And I wish you didn't go, I wish you didn't go, I wish you didn't go away_

But perhaps I should have kept them.  The memories make the nightmares so much worse.  Remembering times when you were injured, dreaming that you don't recover, that you...die...  I can barely whisper the word to myself.  The very thought is somehow blasphemous.  You can't die.  You're the strongest of us all, the one who knows what to do in every situation.  You are the undefeatable warrior, the Lion of Balamb, the defeater of Ultemecia.  Even Seifer couldn't kill you, and he tried often, and hard, enough.  I just wish the other memories, of times both neutral and happy, were less bitter.  To know that you slipped through my fingers was bad enough...  But now I can't even see you in the corridors, can't even reflect that at least I can see you are happy.  Or as happy as you ever were.  I feel your absence like a missing limb, forever surprised when you don't come striding into homeroom close on the heels of Seifer, or pass me in the corridors, your face blank and your eyes hard...

_To touch you again_

_With life in your hands_

Hyne...  I miss you Squall...

_It couldn't be any harder...harder...harder_

Zell turned to the doctor, eyes pleading, speaking the words that he couldn't bring himself to say.  _Is she going to get better?  His answer was a slow, sorrowful head shake.  __No.  He didn't understand why she had taken it so badly.  Sure, they had all been in shock for a while, but…  Life moved on, they were SeeDs, they could cope with loss.  They'd coped when Cid, and then Edea, had passed away.  Besides, wherever he was now, Squall wouldn't have wanted them to mope.  In fact, Zell shuddered, imagining the glare that the brunette would have graced them with, quite the opposite.  He would've wanted them to carry on, performing their duty.  And so they were.  Except for Quistis.  Poor Quistis, who had mentally collapsed at the news, retreating into this semi-catatonic, fully delusional state._

Slowly he walked through the maze-like corridors of the Esthar asylum.  Laguna was waiting outside – the man seeming never to age, although he was well over fifty now – standing with Irvine and Selphie.  They were silent, mournful in the knowledge that Quistis was likely to spend the rest of her life in the institution, and in their other purpose.  Selphie was cradling a large bouquet of roses, black and red and white, her tears glistening on those closest to her face.  Zell shook his head as he walked to meet them and saw a single fresh tear slide from Selphie's eye.

As a single unit, they began to walk towards their next destination, sorrow weighting their feet.  Finally they halted, waiting for Selphie to place the flowers down before the need for contact became too strong, and they joined hands.  Silently they stood there, each with tears running down their face, and memories running through their minds.  Time moved around them, respectful of their sorrow, perhaps even paying its own respects to the simple memorial at which they stood.  But finally they were forced to come away.  To leave once more.  Their parting no less painful.

The setting sun gleamed off the slim, black marble headstone, casting the chiselled letters deeper into shadow.  The clouds drifting past in the light wind caused the sunbeams to dance, seemingly caressing the words forever etched there.  

_Fade away, fade away, fade away, fade away_

_Fade away, fade away, fade away,  aha_

**Squall Leonhart**

**SeeD Commander**

**MIA aged 26 years**

**RIP**

AN:  Review... please...


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